Month: April 2016

My entire existence was constructed by a sociopath in a sweater vest; what do you suggest I do? I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like, and Blockbuster. You’re recently gay! Woman, you are completely off your nut. Anyone in this much pain prays, or at least curses. I’ve got four brothers, none of them Democrats. The news isn’t there to tell you what happened. It’s there to tell you what it wants you to hear or what it thinks you want to hear.
Any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt. Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, ’cause I don’t think that’s ever getting old. It’s funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
I love what you are, what you do, how you try. These are stone killers, little man. They ain’t cuddly like me. What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? I don’t think Buffy’s going to be too broken up over a pylon. If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion actually was there, it would’ve been like Woodstock. It eats you, starting with your bottom. That probably would’ve sounded more commanding if I wasn’t wearing my yummy sushi pajamas. I’ll never leave. Not even if you kill me. I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community.
Say! look at you! You look just like me! We’re very pretty. These endless days are finally ending in a blaze. Apocalypse, we’ve all been there; the same old trips, why should we care? I wanna hurt you, but I can’t resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body! My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you’ve ever met by day. My egg is Jewish. Ah, the pitter patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots. Imagine Bonnie and Clyde if they had 150 years to get it right. You can’t take the sky from me.
Like, is the hippo going,’Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity!’ Xander, that’s not the North Star, it’s an airplane. Can’t even shout, can’t even cry. You can’t spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie.
We’re old friends from Navy. Friends from Old Navy. I worked retail, he’d come in, buy slacks Don’t care much for fancy parties. Too rough. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. I mean, I was, I was present while you were unconscious, from the ice.
Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it’s chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. Well, I’m sure I’m in serious need of some moral spankitude, but guess who’s not qualified to be my Rabbi?
Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my Gorram ship for no apparent reason? Like, is the hippo going,’Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity!’
In every generation there is a chosen one. It has nothing to do with me. The human mind is like Van Halen; if you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates. If I was blind, I would see you. Darn your sinister attraction! Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it’s chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. I mean, officially I deplore violence, but that was totally worth the loss of karma points! We attack the mayor with hummus. Time is what turns kittens into cats.
Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you. Better to cut you down to size, grandma. Why not default them with ninja skills or whatever? The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists. Special isn’t always a good thing here, Boyd.

They need to take seven and they might take yours. That probably would’ve sounded more commanding if I wasn’t wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
What, you think this isn’t real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy? She alone will stand against the vampires the demons and the forces of darkness.
Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, ’cause I don’t think that’s ever getting old. No, a bad day is when someone’s yellin’ spooks the cattle. Like, is the hippo going,’Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity!’ You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, ‘Hey, kids, where’s the cool parties this weekend?’ I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy. I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I’m an evil, lecherous hump. Shh! No programs, don’t use that word. Just be Buffy. Woman, you are completely off your nut. With any luck, he’ll poke the wrong one and end up in an alternative dimension inhabited by a fifty-foot Giles that squishes annoying teeny pirates. From now on, we’re gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here!
Oh my god, I find lentils completely incomprehensible. In their resting state, our actives are as innocent and vulnerable as children. I saw their production of ‘Giselle’ in 1890. I wept like a baby, and I was evil! Basically, this is what some of your more famous serial killers’ brains look like. How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious. You’re gonna die screaming but you won’t be heard.
Anyone in this much pain prays, or at least curses. In every generation there is a chosen one. I like to think of myself more as a ‘guest-age’. I’m the one who brings about the thought-pocalypse.
And that’d be where you find stored such things as empathy, compassion, an aversion to disemboweling puppies. I’m not planning on presiding over the end of Western Civilization. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other ’til it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends.
How about ’cause you’re a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu? I’m a comfortador also.
You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, ‘Hey, kids, where’s the cool parties this weekend?’ We will rule over all this land, and we will call it…This Land. You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. I’m a comfortador also.
I dislike that Anya. She’s newly human and strangely literal. It’s getting eerie, what’s this cheery singing all about? My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you’ve ever met by day. Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss-up. What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Battle wounds are nothing new to me, preacher. Buffy’s boinking Spike. Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who’s invisible.
I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression. From now on, we’re gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here! You’re the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it…This Land. Well we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer but, gosh, we did that last night. If the apocalypse comes…beep me! Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss-up. I saw their production of ‘Giselle’ in 1890. I wept like a baby, and I was evil! You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Let me pour you a big frosty mug of ‘shut-the-hell-up.’